People in my Virtuoso programs tell me the two most paralyzing fears are the fear of failure and fear of rejection. They keep us from taking action, keep us from living our dreams, keep us locked in our current state.
My opinion: Failure and rejection don’t matter in and of themselves. What matters is the message they have for us. Every failure and rejection has only two possible messages, one is real, and one is false.
The real message of failure and rejection is simple:
Something has to change.
That’s all. Either your approach, your ability, where you’re trying, how you’re trying. Something has to change. That’s all. That’s not the problem.
The problem is the false message of failure which is:
You’re no good.
You’re worthless and stupid for trying. You fell short therefore you have no value. This usually comes from a childhood where we were not loved and valued just for who we are. Love was based on performance or behavior. Therefore any failure or rejection isn’t just a learning tool, it rocks our very foundation. I know this because it is the message I got from my father growing up.
It also comes from our mistakes being punished. I’m not talking about correction and consequences, those are normal and useful responses.
I’m talking about a price or a pain being exacted for making a mistake, which causes us to fear of the pain of a mistake, so we avoid taking action.
The solution to fears of both failure and rejection is to fully accept and internalize that you are valuable, brilliant and worthy exactly as you are, no changes. You belong; you have a right to be here!
The truth is you are an amazing creation, right now. You do not have to earn your worthiness. Breath that in!
“The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves—say rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”
Now, the danger here is trying to get that kind of love from another person. To be blunt, it’s above their pay grade, simply because of our innate human fallibility.
Now, you may have another way to get to this but I have to draw a line in the sand in my teaching: The only way to get this kind of perfect love is from God. Getting your sense of value from anything else – another person, your performance, money, sex, relationships – will always let you down.
The only real solution is to get 100% of your self worth from the fact that God, the Creator of this entire universe loves, values and delights in you, right now. No action can shake or undo that. Receiving it requires nothing more than saying yes to it, inviting God in.
I am not trying to preach anything, my purpose here is share what I know works, to offer a real solution to fears of failure and rejection.
When we accept that we are loved perfectly and permanently, that nothing we’ve done or ever will do can cause God to love us any more or less, it frees us to fail and be rejected without shaking our foundation.
And why do you need to be free to fail and be rejected? Because you will fail. You will be rejected. A lot! They are integral to success. And the more successful you are, the more you will fail and be rejected.
Failure and rejection will never feel great. But when we accept that we are completely loved and worthy just as we are they no longer rock our foundations, so we can learn from them and try again.
Please pass this along to someone!
Live Truly, Truly Live,